November 24: National Sardines Day
I’m writing this from 37,000 feet in the air. In a chair. Flying through the sky. I originally opened my laptop with the intentions of watching LIVE TV since it was promised to me in an email from Southwest Airlines yesterday, but alas, there is no wi-fi from what I can tell. I was annoyed until I remembered Louis CK’s set on flying and how whiny people are, when they should really be thankful that they are like, flying through the air. So. I’m making lemonade out of lemons and using this time confined to a chair to hopefully knock out a few food days and catch up a bit.
I hate typing on airplanes. T-Rex arms.
ANYWAY, NATIONAL SARDINES DAY! By FAR the worst day so far. By far.
I [wrongly] assumed that sardines are like anchovies. I assumed they’d be little salty suckers and I could mash them into a dressing or something. Apparently this is NOT the case. When I called my mom from the grocery store to ask what to eat them with (crackers? cheese? bread?) she told me to “Put it on a saltine and get it over with. Sardines are the fishiest fish ever.”
Wait, what?
The fishiest fish ever? I don’t even like tilapia! I don’t eat fish sticks! The only “seafood” I like is crab rangoon, and that’s 91% cream cheese, 7% wonton wrapper and 2% “crab”. Oh man…
Have you ever spent time in the canned meat aisle at the grocery store? I hadn’t (duh), and I was shocked at the variety of canned proteins. In addition to chicken of the sea, chicken of the land, salmon, and names I didn’t recognize, there were a million different kinds of sardines. Who knew? You can get a GIANT tin for a DOLLAR. A DOLLAR. Homeless people should totally eat sardines! Cheap protein!
SO! I had asked a sardine aficionado ahead of time what to get and apparently King Oscar is the best. King Oscar it was! I got the spicy ones hoping it would mask something. Okay, everything.
I [wrongly] assumed that sardines were little dudes the size of my pinky. Uh, no. Sardines are like, the size of a big ole fat finger. And not my fingers… I have baby hands. More like a pro basketballs finger (slight exaggeration). ANYWAY, as soon as I cracked the can the kitchen was flooded with the smell of a dumpster in Chinatown in the middle of August. FISH CENTRAL. I used a fork to try and get a single fish to put on my cracker, but the they kept breaking into chunks, and I kept dry heaving. Once I got the “little” guy onto the cracker, I quickly put it in my mouth and chewed and chewed and tried to swallow. As soon as I swallowed, it all came back up and then I’m standing over the sink barfing into a running garbage disposal. I immediately threw the rest away (DUH) and then immediately took out the trash to try and eliminate the smell. I’m not sure if it had permeated the walls, or was just stuck in my nose hairs, but the stench remained. NEVER AGAIN.
Tomorrow: National Parfait Day.
